I am having a day

September 13, 2011 § 1 Comment

Not a good day….but not a bad day….

just a day.

Its like I am here but not here, ya know?

Like meh…I don’t want to do anything today.

But I hafta.

I am mom. Pardon me while I ramble on for a bit….

Why do I hafta be mom all the time? Why can’t I just be me? Will that ever happen again?

I know in my mind – its gonna happen. But my heart says: nope. You are gonna suffer forever.

I love my children so much so it pains me that I am thinking these thoughts of not being a mom.

So okay…maybe its a bad day. 

I just wanna crawl into bed right now and sleep. But I can’t sleep even if I had the chance to.

You know how I feel right now? Like I am screwing up my kids because of the condition I am in. Condition…is that even the right word? eh…whatever.

I don’t even go out with them by myself.

Mr. Man keeps asking me when I will go out with the kids by myself and I can’t answer him. I dont know. I mean I get overwhelmed with them in the house…imagine by myself out of the house.

I mean ok…maybe I could if I just had a little faith in myself. I gotta admit that some mornings I want to leave my house with them. Go for a little drive or a walk. But then I hear that little voice in my head (no I aint hearing real voices), that says: that’s too much for you to do right now, you’re gonna screw up.

I mean monkey is almost 30lbs and diva is about 10. That is a lot to carry going down 3 flights of stairs (we live in a third floor apt). SO it’s not like I am being lazy or fearful. Maybe Mr. Man is just delusional. Maybe I should make him go out w the two of them right now and see how he does.

Nah…that’s just being spiteful. Wait…no it isn’t. It’s just showing him how hard it is.

Should I be able to go out with just them? Am I being too chicken?

I don’t know….I just wanna go vegetate.

Finally made the appointment with a counselor. Well, its with my pastor.

I’ve been hesitant on seeing & talking with him, but a friend of mine did and she said it really helped.

I still dont want to go.

I keep that thought in my head – I am totally fine.

Total lie of course.

Mr. Man went to a ball game on Sunday. I was supposed to go with him, but I chickened out. Lets just say I have a fear of going out on that day (9/11)…always have. He made me feel bad about it (not going with him I mean)…though I know for a fact he didnt mean to.

I hate that day.

I just feel so blah…I dont even know what I want to write.

Oh to write…that would be great. I miss writing, but every single time I get some inspiration – someone needs mommy.

Sigh…work is never done.

I told my mom today…I just want something for myself. I want to go back to work – but not in an office…I couldn’t imagine going back to that.

She responded by reminding me how busy I will be when I start homeschooling monkey. Yeah…thats not the type of busy I was talking about.

I want something that is just mine…I guess right now that is too much to ask for.

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