Support – where is it?

August 30, 2011 § 8 Comments

I was told – why do you need medicine? You don’t need medicine to make you feel better. You just need to pray more.

Sigh.

Where is my support?

So, I believed them and started taking St. John’s Wort. It helped for a little…then I started to realize – it wasn’t.

I was arguing just as much with Mr. Man, I was anxious all the time…it wasn’t helping. I felt like I wasn’t taking anything.

So I started taking my Zoloft again.

To which the response was: you should wait longer. Take your St. John’s Wort for like a month and see.

Really? Ya’ll want me to do this and stay suffering?

Where is my support?

I feel like there is such a shame with taking medicine for this.

I have Postpartum Depression – I’m not psychotic.

But I am apart of that group too. The group who doesn’t believe I really have PPD. I mean… hello? I am listening to them.

I am the one believing them, thinking that this is all in my head. Well, that was until yesterday.

yesterday I was on the great blog: Postpartum Progress; and I found this entry:

The Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (In Plain Mama English)

I was hysterical crying, cause this was me.

Almost every single thing on those lists – is me.

I have PostPartum Depression with anxiety issues.

I feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. I feel weak and defective. I feel like a failure. I feel irritated or angry. I have little patience. Everything annoys me. I feel resentment towards my baby, and my partner, and my friends who don’t have babies. My thoughts are racing sometimes. I can’t quiet your mind enough to sleep. I can’t settle down. It takes me forever to relax. I am afraid that this is my new reality and that I’ve lost the “old me” forever. I am very much afraid that if I reach out for help people will judge me.

No way to escape it now….no matter how much I try.

But you know what? Its all good. I am going to talk to a therapist…and I am gonna be open and honest to everyone of my friends and family.

I will no longer fear the judging. Judge on if you want peoples. Judge on….just dont tell me nothing.

I wasn’t gonna link this blog to my facebook page, cause well…I have some friends from church who are friends with me on there. I didn’t want them to know.

Now…I still kinda don’t – but I wont be ashamed of who I am anymore.

I am a tired mama of two under two, who needs some help.

Sweet Lord….now if only I could hit the publish button.

 

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§ 8 Responses to Support – where is it?

  • *hugs*

    it IS real.

    medicine DOES help.

    medicine doesn’t HAVE to be forever but if you NEED it then TAKE it…. your kids need a happy momma and your husband needs his wife.

    Hormonal changes are not something you can control as much as people want you to think you can.

    Your support is here if you need it honey, and extra prayers.

  • Becky Campbell says:

    Oh, Jessica!! I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself! It’s not like you went in and said, “Hey! I’m tired! This mothering thing is hard. Can you dope me up?” You are suffering and because of that, your family is suffering too! Trust the doctors and therapists who are TRAINED to deal with these sorts of things and let judgemental people talk til they are blue in the face!;) I do believe in the power of prayer, but I also believe God allowed for the advance of docotors and medicine for a reason! Sometimes, we just need a little extra help and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Trust me, I’ve been there with my son! I had tons of friends and family that sighed and rolled their eyes and practically disowned me because I chose to medicate my son for ADD/Anxiety/Depression! I didn’t make the decision lightly. I researched and asked a million questions and it took 3 YEARS for me to come to teh conclusion that I’d tried everything in my power and it was time to do somethign different! Thank goodness I did!! He’s a completely different kid now. (And no, he’s not a robot!) The thing is, they only spend a tiny fraction of their time with him, I spend 100% of my time with my kids. I know them. I undertand them. You are the one living with PPD day in and day out! You know when something isn’t right and thank goodness you were strong enough to get help when you needed it. Many people don’t and bad things can happen! Where are all these people when you are struggling just to make it from breakfast til bedtime each day!? If the people closest to you can’t support you, they aren’t truly friends at all. And as for your family…well, you can’t pick your family!;) They have a right to their opinions, but they have no right to bring you down for your decisions about your family! You also have the right to not associate with anyone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart! Your virtual family will fill in the gaps! I’ve got your back! Love, hugs and prayers for you all!♥

    P.S. I’m so happy you hit “publish”!;)

  • TooPeasInAPod says:

    You are not alone. With tears in my eyes I write this because I have all those same feelings. I am afraid to hit publish. I love my children, they are a blessing. But I scared because I feel the same way. Your perfect cousin who you thought had it all together does not. It’s hard, no one ever told me motherhood would be this hard. They make it seem all rosey and full of rainbows. I guess our mothers made it look easy.

  • katery says:

    you are NOT alone, there are many of us living and struggling with ppd. i’m glad you’ve decided to see someone, i have always found a lot of support through blogging, i hope it helps you too.
    http://katery.wordpress.com/

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