I had a Bad Day again….

August 25, 2011 § 7 Comments

I am sitting here typing on the computer…watching North by Northwest. One of my favorite Hitchcock movies & all I want to do is cry.

Cry cause I feel so alone.

cry cause I hate my life.

cry cause I just said that out loud.

cry cause I just want to run away.

cry cause that means I would hafta leave my kids.

cry cause Diva screams so loudly my head hurts so much.

cry cause of freakin crickets!

cry cause I know tonight my husband wont help.

cry cause I’m tired.

cry cause I don’t want to be a mother sometimes.

cry cause people think I’m crazy.

cry cause I have no one to talk to (our insurance sucks).

cry cause my husband isn’t really that supportive.

cry cause no one really understands me right now.

cry cause we have such debt, Mr. Man is forced to work 2 jobs.

cry cause I feel like no one likes me.

cry cause I feel stupid for saying that.

I just wanna cry.

 

How do people do this? How am I supposed to just grin and bear it? Why is it so wrong for me to cry?

Another thing I want to know – why do people think PPD means something is wrong with someone? It just means I’m tired, and frustrated and sad.

Why can’t I be sad?

Even another thing – why do I care so much what people think of me? I went to church on Sunday for the first time since Diva was born. Everyone kept asking me how I was. I couldn’t bring myself to answer them. I just kept saying: tired.

Why couldn’t I be honest? Why did I hafta say tired? Why couldn’t I say terrible?

I even struggled to tell my best friend Mrs. Awesome. It was like I thought she was gonna judge me. There is one woman at church who does know…besides Mrs. Awesome.

We’ll call her K.

I dreaded seeing her. Like she was gonna give me that pathetic look. You know that look…that aww you are one sick puppy and you can’t even handle being a mom.

The same look I thought Mrs. Awesome was gonna give me. Mrs. Awesome didn’t give me that look but K did. I hate that look so much. I know she didn’t mean to. She suffered from depression as well. She knew what I was going through…ugh. I hate that look.

I have a twitter account … family follows me on it. I don’t want to share this blog on that site because I don’t want them to know what I am going through.

Why? Cause they’ll treat me differently.

God why do I care?

Sigh….I better go diva is about to get up for her bottle. And Lord knows I am the only one that can feed her.

God, I hate my life sometimes. It’s so boring. So predictable.

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§ 7 Responses to I had a Bad Day again….

  • Michele says:

    I completely understand; you’re not crazy. It is so hard to feel isolated & uncared for; believe me, I know!

    If you do have anyone close to you reach out if you can; maybe someone will surprise you. If not, ignore it; maybe they just don’t get it.

    The only One you really need & Who can fill the void would be God & Jesus. In those bad moments I do hear Him whisper “I’m all you need.”

    Get into the Psalms; they are comforting. You can whisper them outloud to little Diva when she’s upset, or just saying them to yourself can help comfort you.

    He’s with you; don’t doubt that. Don’t believe the enemy’s lies. God loves & cares for you, even when it feels like you’re going through the fire all alone… He’s still there.

  • story3girl says:

    Oh sweetie. I totally understand. There will be bad days. But there will be more and more good days. And that’s why the rainy day letter helps because it keeps you from forgetting. Hugs to you.

  • Andrea says:

    GOOD FOR YOU!!! Good for you for getting it out here and shouting it out in any ways you are comfortable. So what you didn’t tell them you feel terrible? You’re telling us, and that’s a start. You’re getting stronger by doing so. Honest. Is there any way you can contact a support line of some sort to have someone to talk to — even if it’s just by phone? I know of a few, and I think they could help. Have you looked at your local info on http://www.postpartum.net/? Just an idea for some extra support. Sending you much love.

  • Becky Campbell says:

    Reach out…find a support system…even if it’s online! That’s what they are there for! Because for some reason, people just don’t get it!:( And WHY for the love of everything good and Holy, does your husband not help you!? Why do men think that bringing home a paycheck satisfies their end of the “family deal”!? Why do they not realize that we, as stay at home moms, work 24/7 and work just as hard, sometimes harder than they do!? We don’t get quiet lunches or lunches out with friends. We don’t get a drive home to blare the radio and sing at the top of our lungs if we want to or make a quick some for a fountain drink and a candy bar! We don’t get to clock out at the end of the day and have someone serve us dinner! No one takes care of ALL of our needs! He needs to step up! He may be tired, but so what!? You are too! You’d think he’d eventually learn that if he’d just offer you a little support, you’d be a much more pleasant person to be around!;) I get it, I do! I live it every day! I want to so badly just leave for a couple of days during the week so he can get a taste of what I do! And it can’t be on the weekend! It has to be during the week so he can do the “get them up, dressed, fed and off to school ontime routine” and then everthing that falls in place behind it! UGH! Men!:/ Sorry, I rambled there…I just hope you’ll print this off for him and leave it where he can read it quietly and process it before he flips out. If only we had a way to switch places with them for a month or two! They’d BEG us to take their jobs back! Maybe set up a webcam during the day so he can REALLY get a view of what it’s like!? Love, hugs and prayers for you!!!♥

    • imperfectmomma says:

      Well, I do gotta say that Mr. Man tries to help. I’ve been pushing him away trying to do this myself. But after he finally read up on PPD/PPA he’s starting to push me more to ask him for help. He’s starting to get it. Thanks for the love though. I love having you on my side 🙂

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