I am having a day

Not a good day….but not a bad day….

just a day.

Its like I am here but not here, ya know?

Like meh…I don’t want to do anything today.

But I hafta.

I am mom. Pardon me while I ramble on for a bit….

Why do I hafta be mom all the time? Why can’t I just be me? Will that ever happen again?

I know in my mind – its gonna happen. But my heart says: nope. You are gonna suffer forever.

I love my children so much so it pains me that I am thinking these thoughts of not being a mom.

So okay…maybe its a bad day. 

I just wanna crawl into bed right now and sleep. But I can’t sleep even if I had the chance to.

You know how I feel right now? Like I am screwing up my kids because of the condition I am in. Condition…is that even the right word? eh…whatever.

I don’t even go out with them by myself.

Mr. Man keeps asking me when I will go out with the kids by myself and I can’t answer him. I dont know. I mean I get overwhelmed with them in the house…imagine by myself out of the house.

I mean ok…maybe I could if I just had a little faith in myself. I gotta admit that some mornings I want to leave my house with them. Go for a little drive or a walk. But then I hear that little voice in my head (no I aint hearing real voices), that says: that’s too much for you to do right now, you’re gonna screw up.

I mean monkey is almost 30lbs and diva is about 10. That is a lot to carry going down 3 flights of stairs (we live in a third floor apt). SO it’s not like I am being lazy or fearful. Maybe Mr. Man is just delusional. Maybe I should make him go out w the two of them right now and see how he does.

Nah…that’s just being spiteful. Wait…no it isn’t. It’s just showing him how hard it is.

Should I be able to go out with just them? Am I being too chicken?

I don’t know….I just wanna go vegetate.

Finally made the appointment with a counselor. Well, its with my pastor.

I’ve been hesitant on seeing & talking with him, but a friend of mine did and she said it really helped.

I still dont want to go.

I keep that thought in my head – I am totally fine.

Total lie of course.

Mr. Man went to a ball game on Sunday. I was supposed to go with him, but I chickened out. Lets just say I have a fear of going out on that day (9/11)…always have. He made me feel bad about it (not going with him I mean)…though I know for a fact he didnt mean to.

I hate that day.

I just feel so blah…I dont even know what I want to write.

Oh to write…that would be great. I miss writing, but every single time I get some inspiration – someone needs mommy.

Sigh…work is never done.

I told my mom today…I just want something for myself. I want to go back to work – but not in an office…I couldn’t imagine going back to that.

She responded by reminding me how busy I will be when I start homeschooling monkey. Yeah…thats not the type of busy I was talking about.

I want something that is just mine…I guess right now that is too much to ask for.

That Day….

September 11th 2001…..

That day I was 20

That day I went to work like normal.

That day instead of listening to the radio like normal I played a tape (I had a really old car).

That day I walked into work not knowing

That, that day I would never forget.

 

That day my parents went to work across the street from the World Trade Center.

That day my parents decided not to go vote before getting to work

That day they traveled through the WTC buildings to get to work.

That day my mom decided not to go back upstairs to work when they gave the all clear sign after the plane hit the first building.

That day when the WTC buildings fell down it crashed into my moms building.

That day she could have died.

 

That day my Dad left his building not knowing where my mom was

That day my Dad walked through all of North New Jersey.

That day my mom walked to the Staten Island Ferry

That day when the buildings fell, the cloud missed my dad but engulfed my mom.

That day my mom saved someones life.

That day my Dad kept his boss safe and calm.

 

That day I left work not knowing if my parents were alive.

That day my strong calm grandmother called me hysterical crying.

That day was the first day I heard her cry.

That day I picked up my brother from school wondering if I had to raise him myself.

That day my uncle woke up late. If not he would have been one of the first to arrive.

That day I met up with him and he calmed me down.

 

That day my mom came home, covered head to toe in soot.

That day was the first time I heard my mom scream, hysterical crying at what she saw. I will not repeat.

That day we wondered where my father was.

That day when my father came home, it was 7 o’clock at night.

 

That day I will never forget.

That day I will always carry with me. I will always be sad on that day.

 

That day my friend said goodbye to his wife and kids on a regular day to work.

That day he traveled up to the 102nd floor of one of the WTC buildings.

That day my friend would lose his life.

 

That day another friend of mine woke up 30mins too late for her job at the top of one of the WTC buildings

That day when she got to work the first building fell

That day God spared her

 

That day are many stories.

That day I will always remember theirs.

What A Day

So yesterday….

Whew…

yesterday was a day.

It started out with me killing a big beetle in my living room.

Yeah…bugs are a trigger for me.

A big trigger.

That started a day full of anxiety, crippling anxiety.

First it was raining cats and dogs all morning. I was anxious that my mom wasn’t gonna come over. I tried desperately to calm that anxious little voice inside of me…but it didn’t work. I called and she calmed my fears.

Then, my mom came over insisting we go out.

I was hesitant cause it was raining. Monkey doesnt have a raincoat and Diva..well she was fine in her car seat. I was anxious that getting them wet would make them sick.

My mom convinced me it was drizzling out only and we left.

We got into the car and I freaked.

I felt this unbelievable urge to get out the car and go back upstairs. It was raining harder than my mom had said.

We needed to go back inside, cause..well…you know rain will melt us apparently.

Yes….I am making fun of myself. Its how I deal.

Anyhow, after much convincing from my mother … we drove away.

She kept “saying let me drive. “

My response? “Nope. I gotta get over this.”

As we were driving she kept asking me what I was feeling. I would tell her but then she would respond: “You just gotta trust God.”

Thanks ma, cause I wasn’t thinking about that at all.

Anyhow, as we were driving it started to rain harder.

And I mean – you cant see the hood in front of your car harder.

I was on the verge of tears. But I kept driving. I told my mom: “When we get to COSTCO, I’ll drop you and monkey off…but I’m staying in the car.”

“No, Jessica. You need to get out of this car. I will drop you off. You will be fine.”

We pulled into the parking lot….and I kept driving around. I couldn’t bring myself to the front door. “Jessica, you know it would be better if I drop you off at the front door.” “I know ma, I am just waiting til the rain tapers off”.

No, I was trying to stall. I was hoping that she would give up and say to drop her off at the door.

It didn’t work. Thank God for my mother.

I finally had enough…and I pulled up to the front door…and got out!

Course I was soaking wet…but I got out of the car!!

Anyhow, one hurdle jumped right? Well, there was the next one. Baking.

Yesterday was Mr. Man’s birthday. I promised him I would bake a cake.

After much stalling … I did it!

Sigh. Thank you Jesus. I am on the way

She Has My Toes

Of all the things

she can have

she has my toes.

Not my nose.

Not my eyes

Or even my thighs.

she has my toes.

And then…

Been a trying coupla days.

Diva screaming all day unless she’s in your arms.

I have been so stressed…I can’t even write something. Pardon me while i ramble.

I tried getting off the Zoloft once…thought I was doing well enough. Don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve only been on those meds for a coupla weeks.

Anyhow, that lasted all of 2hrs. Shocker right?

Man, this girl screams so loud I have a constant headache. Course she only starts after my mother leaves. And she screams unless shes in my arms or the baby bjorn thing. I am really starting to like that more than my moby wrap.

These are the days that makes me wonder why I wanted to be a mom again.

You know what?

People keep asking me if I want more.

Uhhh…..am I not complaining enough for ya’ll??

Lets put it this way…if Diva was born first; she woulda been an only child. That hurts cuz then there would be no monkeyman, but I guess God knew that right?

Seriously, this girl is annoying. Yeah….I said it, can’t believe I said it – but I did.

Days like this makes me wanna run away. Man…I hate that I wrote that. Twice.

And I thought I was doing so well. Hmm….guess I need to accept that this is gonna take longer than I thought. At least, I’ve been writing in my journal.

Thank God that I bought that thing.

But its hard to find the time to even do that. Diva screaming….Monkey pulling at me for attention.

Do you know how hard it is to play with a 21month old while wearing a chunky 7wk old?

There are times when I can play with monkey alone…but its few and far between. I am so grateful for my mom coming over to help.

Well, in that perspective I am getting better. My mom I mean.

I was relying on her for everything (cooking, cleaning etc). Now, I’ve been doing more. I want to do more. No longer do I want to hide under my covers.

I guess that is some progress right?

I just gotta get a handle on two screaming kids.

No biggie right?

Passing on a tradition

Check this out:

STAR WARS BABY!!

I am totally starting my son off on the right foot. I literally can not wait to put this on him!!! And this year for halloween? Definitely thinking Darth Vader.

And if you didn’t know, but are starting to realize….yes I am a HUGE dork.

Turning the Corner

So a coupla weeks ago my mother told me of two women at church who were expecting their first child.

My response to her?

Oh thats great.

What was I thinking?

Oh that sucks for them. Their lives are over as they know it and they have no clue.

Sad right?

Well…the other day my mom tells me of someone who just gave birth.

My response?

Aww thats awesome.

What was I thinking?

Aww thats awesome.

Praise the Lord Jesus….

I’m starting on the road back to being me!

My Story

Part of this comes from my other site: Really? I’m A Mom?

I gave birth to this beautiful baby girl…

Even as I write that…I dont believe it. Everyone keeps telling me how beautiful she is and I just dont see it. I dont see me in her and I think thats why.

Am I normal? Is that selfish? Is that self-centered?

I don’t know.

When I gave birth to her..dang. gotta remember to write that story. Anyhow, when I gave birth to her I cried. I was so happy I gave birth to a baby girl.

Or maybe I was just happy that she finally came out. Seriously 59hrs of labor sucks.

Then they took her away, see she was born with the cord around her neck and wasn’t breathing right. I got to hold her for less than a minute.

I told her how happy I was she was here and they took her away. My husband, of course, followed after to make sure she started breathing ok.

I was left w the doctor and nurses cleaning me up.

My mom couldn’t be there cause she was watching monkey man.

I was alone.

Then after the doctor finished w me, Mr. Man came back. Said Diva was breathing was getting better. That her O2 stats were normal, they were just keeping an eye on her for a little. I was relieved. But not happy.

He then left….the nurses left.

I was alone.

I started sending messages from my phone to family. Then I stopped. Thought…hmm, I think I should rest.

Tried to rest…but couldn’t.

My night nurse came in. Asked if I needed anything. I begged for french fries. She said she would get some for me.

I was indebted to her. During those 59hrs of labor I got maybe 2 meals.

She left, I started to resent Mr. Man. Shouldn’t he be the one to get me fries?

Mr. Man came in and out of my room. Kept asking me to rest. I couldn’t. He kept going back to check on baby girl.

I got mad. How come he got to spend that time with her? Why couldn’t I?

Why didn’t he spend that time with me? I was the one that pushed her out after all.

My mom finally was able to come. She saw baby girl, but spent the time with me.

Mr. Man? Still w baby girl…and his parents.

I still had yet to see her.

They cleaned me up and moved me to post partum. Mr. Man didn’t even know they were moving me.

We passed by Mr. Man and his parents. They all got to see baby girl. me? Still waiting.

We went to my small post partum room. All of them – my mom, his parents and Mr. Man.

I wanted them all out (except for Mr. Man). But they all stayed.

My daughter finally came in the room.

I finally was able to hold her….and nothing. I expected freaking angels to sing. Seriously…I did. I mean this was my baby girl. The first girl. Now…most probably my last.

But I felt nothing. I looked at her smiled….said hello beautiful.

Felt nothing.

Coupla days in the hospital. I felt absolutely nothing. I didn’t even want to hold her. She was a weight that was too much for me to bear.

Coupla weeks at home and I felt nothing toward her. She was on the Bili-lights treatment and I thought that was it. Thats why I was feeling nothing. I was annoyed at the machine we had to lug around with her.

Nope. Once she was off the machine….still nothing.

I mean…I loved her. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her…but I was kinda upset she’s here.

She’s changed everything.

At night I got mad at her….for crying. She wasn’t a good sleeper.

During the day…if she cried, I let her cry a little before I picked her up. Still do actually.

I loved her though. I was (and still am) fiercely protective of her from monkey’s prying little fingers. I swear this kid thought she was a doll.

But still there were times when I felt nothing toward her.

Its not like I didn’t like her. Its not like anything. I felt nothing.

Wait…here is exactly what I mean……I hated taking care of her. Most of the time I didn’t even wanna hold her.

Man. I cant believe I just said that.

Then we went to her doctor. I put her down on the exam table and let the doctor check her out. Once he was done? I left her there. I totally forgot about her.

Thats when I knew something was up.

Then the arguments started. I literally accused my husband of loving Diva more than me. that he was favoring Diva over monkeyman.

Still thought it was just the hormones, but I knew something was not right. Prayed that it was just me being my old hypochondriac self.

Then there was that night. The night where I manhandled her and then had that crazy thought.

The thought was evil. It was so evil I dont even remember it, but it involved hurting Diva. I got scared. I felt that anger surge up inside of me. I thought what the heck is wrong with me.

I held her close to my body and knew I needed help. I started crying hysterically.

I went to the doctor.

She prescribed medicine.

I feel better and have not had that type of anger again, but I am calling the therapist today.

But now? I love her. When did I fall in love? When she cooed at me…and then smiled.

I am definitely in love w this little girl.

This Face…

…is tired

…is scared

…is hurting

…is confused

…is old

…hates being alone

…is in pain

…is riddled with years of self-loathing, doubt, fear, anguish and resentment

…misses chocolate

…is suffering through postpartum depresssion

…will not give up, no matter how much I want to

…will no longer feel ashamed

…is a survivor

…will make it

This face is me

This pic was taken with a HTC Hero on August 31, 2011. It was processed with the C-41 filter on Picplz.

Support – where is it?

I was told – why do you need medicine? You don’t need medicine to make you feel better. You just need to pray more.

Sigh.

Where is my support?

So, I believed them and started taking St. John’s Wort. It helped for a little…then I started to realize – it wasn’t.

I was arguing just as much with Mr. Man, I was anxious all the time…it wasn’t helping. I felt like I wasn’t taking anything.

So I started taking my Zoloft again.

To which the response was: you should wait longer. Take your St. John’s Wort for like a month and see.

Really? Ya’ll want me to do this and stay suffering?

Where is my support?

I feel like there is such a shame with taking medicine for this.

I have Postpartum Depression – I’m not psychotic.

But I am apart of that group too. The group who doesn’t believe I really have PPD. I mean… hello? I am listening to them.

I am the one believing them, thinking that this is all in my head. Well, that was until yesterday.

yesterday I was on the great blog: Postpartum Progress; and I found this entry:

The Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (In Plain Mama English)

I was hysterical crying, cause this was me.

Almost every single thing on those lists – is me.

I have PostPartum Depression with anxiety issues.

I feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. I feel weak and defective. I feel like a failure. I feel irritated or angry. I have little patience. Everything annoys me. I feel resentment towards my baby, and my partner, and my friends who don’t have babies. My thoughts are racing sometimes. I can’t quiet your mind enough to sleep. I can’t settle down. It takes me forever to relax. I am afraid that this is my new reality and that I’ve lost the “old me” forever. I am very much afraid that if I reach out for help people will judge me.

No way to escape it now….no matter how much I try.

But you know what? Its all good. I am going to talk to a therapist…and I am gonna be open and honest to everyone of my friends and family.

I will no longer fear the judging. Judge on if you want peoples. Judge on….just dont tell me nothing.

I wasn’t gonna link this blog to my facebook page, cause well…I have some friends from church who are friends with me on there. I didn’t want them to know.

Now…I still kinda don’t – but I wont be ashamed of who I am anymore.

I am a tired mama of two under two, who needs some help.

Sweet Lord….now if only I could hit the publish button.